Above is my latest Design Team project. I was supposed to do a layout on "why I scrapbook". All those little faces are truly the reason why...they are a great motivator.

I am at peace tonight. All day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday the foot pain was at the unbearable. Monday afternoon my Mom took me swimming at Swan Lake. When I got out of the pool I didn't know how I was going to walk to the car because the pain was so bad so I looked in my purse and had 2 toe wraps. I sat down and wrapped my toes while my Mom dressed the two little grandsons that swam with us. The pain let up significantly. I went home and took my foot medication and all of a sudden the pain relented. My Mom said she was increasing her prayers to pleading with God for some relief and Monday afternoon I got it. Thank God for the relief. Was it the swimming? the prayers? the pills? or all of the above? I don't know and really don't care except that it went away.

I hadn't driven for weeks and within a half hour drove to WalMart for some things I needed and I enjoyed just looking at things and being by myself and not worrying that I was keeping someone from something because they were waiting on me. Now, I want to say to the ones that take me places...I really appreciate every single thing you do. Mom, for all the errands you help me run...Katie, for all the Starbucks you bring me and Wayne, for sitting in the car while I shop at different places. You are all so good to me. But, there's nothing like being able to do it myself.

That said, this was a one time thing and I will probably be needing you again soon:)

I sent Wayne the cutest card for Valentines Day. It was one of the ones you open up and it plays music. The song I sent him was..."You're Still The One". I asked him while I was cleaning things up Monday night (during my freedom from pain) if he wanted to save the card and he did. He just came into the computer room to show me how the card works. He had it all torn apart and found out the chip the made it work and showed me the speaker it needed to hear the music. I told him I thought the card was much prettier when I sent it to him and he said he liked it torn apart much better so he could see how it worked..ha ha!! The difference between men and women?....maybe one of them:)

Tonight is the big night...the top 10 boys singing in American Idol. I all ready have my favorites. They are David Archuleta (if you have some free time go to "You Tube" and type in his name and scroll down and listen to him sing "Mary, Did You Know"?...it is so beautiful it gave me chills), David Cook, Jason Castro and DAvid Hernandez. We'll see how my guys do tonight!

Kelly, thank you so much for the acronym on fear. I'm going to print that out and keep it somewhere that I can see it frequently. I have a lot of fear I deal with...not just fear about the foot pain so it think can benefit me in many areas of fear in my life:)

We got no help at all from the foot doctor. He told me he is an orthopedic foot doctor and what I need is a neurologist who deals with nerve pain. So, I called the neurologist and will go see him at the end of March. The last time I saw him he made me mad but I will give him another chance. At the end of my last appointment he told me I was on a lot of medication. Well, like I didn't know that all ready. When we got to the car I went over the list of meds with Wayne.

There's meds for thyroiditis...gotta take that
there's meds for my foot pain (3 pills)...gotta take that
there's meds for high blood pressure...gotta take that, don't want a stroke
there's pills for back pain, really need those ...that's 2 pills
there's a pill for high blood sugar, really need that
and last but not least are pills for laxatives...anyone with a pain pump like me needs those

Now, why didn't the doctor go over the list like that with me instead of making me feel like I'd done something wrong? I think if he brings it up again I will ask him what he suggests I cut out of the list? Other than this one incident I have really liked him so maybe he will give me some help with my feet...I always continue to hope!

Yesterday (Friday) was a rough day for me physically and mentally. I can usually keep my spirits up and don't get depressed very often. The foot pain yesterday was just almost unbearable. When I went to the foot doctor one of the questions they asked me is if the pain ever gets bad enough that I want to cut my foot off? I thought that was a rather odd question for a doctor's office to ask me until yesterday...then I understood. I was ready to cut off my toes the pain was so bad.

I take quite a few pills (unfortunately) in the mornings and to guard against stomach upset I usually take the pain pills first. I take 3 different kinds of pills for my feet and when I first wake up I take those and the pain pill for my back. I don't take much for my back since getting the morphine pump installed...thank goodness! Sometimes in the mornings I'm so sleepy when I take those pills for my feet that I can barely focus my eyes. The pain was so bad yesterday that I was really depressed about my situation.

Around 4:00-4:30 in the afternoon I was going to take the rest of my morning pills and what to my amazement was one of the foot pills I forgot to take. That certain pill is called Tegretol and is actually an anti-seizure medication but they have found the the anti-seizure medications help with nerve pain. I would imagine that not only did my feet hurt from not getting the tegretol but I think I went through some withdrawal from not getting the Tegretol...it is a very strong medication!

It makes me so thankful for these pills that keep the pain under control most of the time. I cannot imagine my life without them:)

I had to reschedule my last appointment with the foot doctor. Tomorrow is the day we go to see him. I cannot wait to go. I can't help but be very full of anticipation that he may have something to help my poor feet.

Today is the worst day I've ever had with foot pain. Wayne said that there is a front coming through tonight and I have begun to notice that my feet are worse when there is a front coming through. I just couldn't do anything to get out of pain and feeling that way I didn't get ONE thing done in the house today. Didn't put my dishes in the dishwasher, fold the laundry or didn't even feel like getting dressed. I just ordered a pizza because it sounded good and I did make my way into the bathroom and brushed my teeth since I have to open the door:)

You know what my fear is? I get very fearful when the pain gets so bad and I finally figured it out today. I am so afraid that this will be the time when there is no relief from the pain. Every other time I have found some way, taken a pill, used the foot massager, wrapped my toes and feet/legs...and I've gotten relief from the pain. When I am in an episode of pain like today I get afraid that this is the time it will stay like this forever and I don't know if I could bear it! Oh well, enough for the worrying because by about 6:00pm after I took my foot pills and wrapped my own toes (and that's no easy feat) then all of a sudden the pain relented and was almost gone completely. Go figure:) I don't really care why it goes away...I just care that it does go away!!

My Valentine - Martina Mcbride

Wishing everybody a Happy Valentines Day!! May you be with the people you love most and have that love returned. After 35 years of marriage we have learned what love is all about. It's waking up at 3 am and wrapping my feet or telling him to drive carefully instead of hurrying home. It's caring for the others needs instead of your own. And, it's enjoying each others company no matter what we do. I am unable to go to the movies many times and even though Wayne would like to go out to eat or out to the movies he cares enough about me to stay here and be content. That's true love and I am so thankful for the love of my spouse on this day that we celebrate love. I don't need jewelry or candy or flowers. I just need that person who loves me and cares about my needs above his own which makes me want to do the same in return.

I usually don't post this early in the morning. It is 5:22 am and I am awake and in a quandry all ready today. My right leg is so numb this morning that it will not support the weight of walking on it. The last time I tried to walk on it l ike thia I ended up falling. It's just all so frustrating! I am also just barely starting to get slight muscle spasms in my low back so I guess I need to bite the bullet and get walking and hope this leg starts getting some circulation in it and quits feeling numb.

Sunday was probably the best day physically I've had for months. The pain in my feet was virtually gone and it felt just SO good. I felt like doing so many things that I didn't know what to do frst...so I ended up going to my father-in-law's 80th birthday party and then on to WalMat to get some groceries. I didn't want the day to end...but it did and woke up yesterday with the same old pain as usual.

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon in Elkhart with a physiatrist..... not a phyciatrist but a doctor of physical medicine. One of he things he will ddo is to fill out the forms for my disability but I'm hoping he might have some good ideas to help me.

Jacob on his gocart

Before you watch this video you may want to go to the bottom of the page and pause the music so you can hear our daughter talking. YOu will see two small straigt lines on the left side and just click on that.

Jacob looks so little to be riding a big go-cart like that and then I remember our kids showing big quarter horses when they were 3 years old. They looked pretty little on those big horses too:)

Today is one of the roughest days I've had for a while. My back is ready to spasm and my feet hurt really bad. Some days I feel it more because I see how fast I'm slipping as to what I used to be able to do and it scares me. I try not to buy into the fear but at times it overcomes me and tonight it is really nagging at me.

Wayne just left to go to Mishawaka. Our son organizes a fight occasionally and tonight is one of the fights. He has begged his Dad to come and see what he has put on. It has become a big thing but it is really so far from what we are interested in. For me, I can't imagine why someone would want to get into a situation and bang up their good body and good health. If you've got the health, try to keep it!! But, Wayne went tonight to support Alan as a person. Of all nights for him to leave tonight is one of the worst. I have a certain time of day when I get depressed and it's always around sunset. As a child that's when I would get homesick at a friends house and have to go home. So, tonight it's about sunset time and I'm feeling really sad and wishing he were here. I can put up with some long hours during the week because that's what I've come to expect but Saturday's are our day together!!

I will try to explain how my feet feel. I know as someone who knows me or reads my blog you must wonder how my feet really feel and why I complain about my feet so much. If you can imagine a rubber band on each toe wrapped around so tight you can't get it around again...that's a beginning to how my toes feel. I am so hoping the foot doctor has something that will help me. If I could get my feet out of pain it would improve my quality of life tremendously!!

I am participating in the scrapbook store's secret pal swap. If my secret pal is reading this please understand that I am not complaining....just trying to explain how this illness affects every part of my life. I got a beautiful gift today. It is from Bath & Body works and is Lotion which I need BADLY!! My poor dry legs and feet will drink that in and I love the fragrance. I also got a body wash which I'll enjoy and a bath soak which I wish I could use but can't because I can't get in a bathtub without my back really flaring up. I will give that to my daughter and she will love it! When I see something like that it's just another reminder that I can't do things other people can.

This post is all about American Idol so if you're not interested or not a fan you can hang on till my next post.

Mikalah Gordon and Matthew Rogers have been the hosts of American Idol Extra on Fox channel...same channel as American Idol. Things are going to be a little different this year because they have chosen Gina Glocksen and Constantine Mouralis to host the show this year. That should be prety interesting! The first show will be March 17th at 10:00 eastern time.

If you like surprises don't read the following....but here is a list of the Top 24. So...here it is.... This list is subject to change but is the closest people can find to the Top 24 names. If you would like the site I go to to find all the American Idol information it is http://mjsbigblog.com/

The top 12 girls:
1. Asiah Epperson
2. Alaina Whitakar
3. Alex Lushington
4. Amanda Overmyer
5. Amy Davis
6. Brooke White
7. Carly Hennessy Smithson
8. JoAnne Borgella
9. Kady Malloy
10. Kristie Lee Cooke
11. Ramielle Malubaf
12. Syerha Mercado

The top 12 Boys
1. Chickreze Eze
2. Colton Berry
3. Danny Norieza
4. David Archuleta
5. David Cook
6. David Hemandez
7. Garrett Haley
8. Jason Castro
9. Jason Yeager
10. Luke Menard
11. Michael Lee Johns
12. Robbie Carrico

This is what I worked on during the crop with the design team Saturday night. It was very time consuming because the layer under the circle was done in about 2 inch segments and had to be added under the circle. It is Tyler in the picture holding the dggs he'd found!

Here it is 5:48 am and I've all ready had a rough morning. I woke up with slight muscle spasms in my back at 4:30. I know they will develop into big ones so was getting up to take a muscle relaxer. They take about an hour to work so I need to get them down me as soon as possible. Well, my right leg was numb and gave out on me and I fell right on my back...just what I didnt need. Wayne was sleeping and heard me fall and has been up keeping me company through these horrific muscle spasms. At one point I asked him to shoot me and he refused. Now I'm glad he didn't but at the time would have welcomed it. I have never had pain as bad as these spasms right into my tail bone. They are so strong they rock my whole body.

I had a tooth pulled 2 weeks ago and got along fine. I just haven't done real well in the healing process. I think the dentist is starting to understand me. When I was in the dentists office yesterday getting it packed for the 2nd time he said...you're not a real fast healer, are you? I thought...you're getting it now. I've been dealing with a dry socket and they are pretty painful...enough so that it's woke me up several times at night. He put me on an anti-biotic and gave me some pain medicine.

I had such a good time Saturday night. Both design teams got together to scrap. I had really missed some of my friends from the team last year...mostly Kelly and Charity (Jen too!). Kelly and Charity were both there and it was so good to see them They are both such positive people and have become good friends. I have missed having friends since I've been sick and have needed it SO bad. Also good to see Molly again who is my cousin's daughter...is that a 2nd cousin?

Most of you who know me know that I am very warm most of the time. Well, here at home when Wayne isn't home I open the windows and turn off the furnace when I'm feeling that way. That's when I love the cold weather. Anyway, I hadn't locked most of the windows all over the house so I could have easy access to just lift the window up. Wayne noticed a draft coming from one of those windows several weeks ago during one of those cold spells. We went around the house and locked all the windows sealing out the cold air. We couldn't believe what a difference it made in our utility bill. Last month was $270 and the one I got a couple of days ago was $220. $50 dollars!! I am sure that is the reason why because it sure hasn't been a warmer month in January. Just a tip for anyone else that might want to check their windows.

Tyler spent several hours here one day last week. There is a computer game that we like playing together. I can't believe how competitive and childish I get when I start playing with him. I have to keep remnding myself that I'm an adult and he is a child. Well, the whole time he was here I kept asking him if he was hungry or if I could fix hi a sandwich to eat at the computer. I kept getting the same answer. Finally he said he would drink a milkshake if I made one for him. Well, his Mom called after she picked him up and said I have to tell you a story. She said I know better than this but you will laugh. She said he started working on her to go to a drivein and kept saying Becky wouldn't get me anything to eat...only drinks! I know he wasn't saying it against me...he was just trying to work his Mom and trying to get her to go to a drive-up...and it worked..ha ha!!