My health seems to be the topic as of lately. Believe me, I would like it to be anything but my health. Today I had 2 doctor appointments.

1st appointment was with my family doctor. He seemed perplexed with the situation. He thinks the only thing for me to do is to go to some sort of a rehab center to get the drugs looked at and get an exercise program going. He said I am on way too many medications...but, guess who gave me 90% of those medications? He did! That's what is frustating. It's so easy to blame it on the patient. I will say that he listened to and responded to our questions.

The 2nd appointment was with the pain doctor. This appointment was just plain frustrating. He didn't answer even one question or listen to anything we had to say. He had his own area of interest and just kept going on that way!

I am so discouraged tonight. Just frustrated!

Becky

Every day seems interesting in its own way. This morning I had to take 2 valium for the muscle spasms. My Mom and grandson Kael came over to make sure I wasn't going to fall because that seems to be the consequence of taking those pills. I seemed fine...the spasms went away and I was feeling pretty energetic..enough to play with Kael, eat some lunch and work a little on my scrapbooking. I finally told my Mom she could go home that I was fine!

I sat down at the desk unaware that I was sleepy and started playing a game. Next thing I knew I was asleep and got a phone call from the disability attorney. I am always hoping that when they call that I am going to get the good news that my disability has been approved!! It wasn't that call. It was the monthly call to ask when I had doctor's and therapy appointments. What a disappointment. I guess I fell asleep because next thing I knew this time is that I was tipping over sitting on my heavy leather desk chairand me and the chair both ended up on the floor. I was scared to death. I also couldn't get up. I knew Wayne was out of town but I reached up to get the phone off my desk. Thank goodness that it was there because I'm notorious for taking the cordless phone to another room and leaving it there. I almost always keep my cell phone in my pocket in case I fall but you guessed it...not today:) Wayne called his parents and my Mom. His parents got here first and helped me get up. I mainly needed someone to hold onto the walker. Even though the brakes were on it would move when I tried to get up. It was a struggle but I made it up. I fell on my back and it was spasming at the time. Just as I got up, my Mom walked in the door. I kept thinking that his just isn't right. I should be helping any one of them. They must worry about who's going to take care of them when they get in this condition. Who knows? Maybe I'll be well by then:) That's one thing that would be really be difficult for me is to see my parents or in-laws needing help and we or I can't do it!

My Mom stayed and helped me get ready for my therapy appoinment. She washed and blow dried my hair. I got dressed and we were off for therapy. I went to the same lady that helped me so much with my feet. She was so good to me back then. This time she seemed a little brusk (is that a word?) and rather rough on what she expected of me. One of the most painful positions I can do is to lay on my stomach and she had me lay on my stomach the entire time. I guess I would have expected things to be a bit more gradual. She made it seem like this whole back problem was my fault...like I'd done something wrong. She wouldn't answer my questions...just ignored me. She acted the same way to my Mom. Wayne says to quit and go elsewhere and that's what I'm thinking at the time. We see my pain doctor on Wednesday and I think I will mention it to him and see what he thinks I should do.

When I came home Wayne was here. I was SO glad to see him and tell him all about it. I fell asleep and slept for 3 1/2 hours....I even slept through supper!

Tomorrow is another day...we'll see what that holds.

It's been a rough week since I posted last. Last Tuesday I woke up with the worst ever muscle spasms I've ever had. None of the medications I had would even touch them. After about 3 hours Wayne called the ambulance to come and pick me up and take me to the ER. When they got here they had their bed and said they would have to strap me to it. I could sit up but they would still have to strap me to the bed. There was no way I was getting strapped to anything. So...they helped me get into Wayne's van and I kind of stood up till we got to the ER. The good thing about the ambulance being alerted is that we got attention right away. They first took my vitals and my blood pressure was 225/112. I think that alerted them that this was very serious. I DO NOT want a stroke. I had started getting a headache and felt like I could have had a stroke had they waited any longer. They gave me a strong pain reliever (same that is in my pump) and it didn't really take away the spasms but it put me to sleep. I don't care...at least I wasn't feeling the pain. Wayne said that even though I was asleep my body kept on spasming for quite some time.

That same afternoon I had an appointment with the nurse practioner for the physiatrist. (who is a doctor of physcal medicine...orders therapy, etc.) She was SO helpful. One thing she helped me with that no one had ever told me before is that valium is an excellent muscle relaxer. I know it is highly addictive and my doctor has limited me to 2 a day for a few weeks. After that he wants me to go to a place called "Doctor's Hospital". From all the asking around this place has an excellent reputation. They deal with people like me that have muscle spasms that are difficult to treat I can't begin to tell you how many days I have paced and cried with these spasms. I wish someone had told me about both things...the valium and the "Doctor's Hospital". My only ploblem with this hospital is that the patient has to stay there including overnight! From the time I was a little girl I have always suffered with homesickness. It starts right at dusk and continues all night but If I want to get getter I just have to do this. I can't continue to take valium because on that med I can't drive and I also can't continue on with these spasms or I'm going to have a stroke or worse!

Yesterday I attempted to have an MRI on my low back but couldn't make it trough the MRI because the pain was so bad. I stood it for the longest period I could but evidently it wasn't long enough. They are hoping there is enough good film shot to give the doctor the information he needs. I thought for sure I would be all right because they gave me 4 pain shots through my IV but it didn't even touch the pain. I think they believed me since my blood pressure also wernt up during that time.

Most of the time I am able to accept these limitations and be content but there are times that I watch people walk or stard in one place and wonder how they do it. I want to be normal like that SO badly but I just continue to get worse. I have probably another 30 years to live and it scares me to think what that future holds. Most of the time I don't even let myself think about it but there are times that it scares me to death. Just this morning we were watching the Early Show on TV and there were all these people standing and watching the group "Chicago" sing and it made me angry. I wanted them all to experience what I do for just a day !! Or there are times I am at the grocery store in my little electric cart and there stands a woman in her 70s or 80s standing there like she could stand there forever. It's these times that I have to regroup and think of the blessings that I do have that these people may not have. Three children who love and respect me, 7 grandchildren that LOVE to come here and a husband who knocks himself out for me and parents that would move a mountain to help me get well. My Mom has been coming over here every day for a while and cooking for me. I have been eating better and for some reason I'm sleeping longer too. I appreciate what everyone does to help me make it through the day!!

Have yourself a good day. I am hoping to get to go to the design teams meeting, carry in dinner and maybe even get to crop a little bit with them tonight!!

No pictures today but really could use your prayers. I have had muscle spasms now for 2 days straight. I can get rid of them for a couple hours with the medications but the medicine also puts me to sleep. It is really very scary to me because the spasms have always responded to the medicine and gone away but this time the spasms come back within hours.

I will try to get in to see my doctor today but even then I don't know how I will make the trip there!

More later....
Becky

This is our granddaughter with her new hair cut. She has the most beautiful hair. It is thick with a slight curl. All she has to do is wash and dry her hair and it looks adorable. Before this she had really long hair so this was a drastic change for her. She is our first grandchild and was born in Brazil. Her name is the same as mine...even last names. I try not to put last names on this blog ... for their own safety.

This is Caden with his catch of the day...turtle! Thank goodness his Daddy thinks like I do and insisted Caden let it go into the lake they live at. His Mommy said he cried all the way into the house. They painted Caden's name on the back of the turtle and they will hopefully see him this year.
This is my legs wrapped. I had walked in them a little bit and the big toes always try to peek out. Our daughter (Katie) came over this evening and Wayne taught her how to wrap my legs. He and Katie's husband are going to Chicago tomorrow and don't know when they'll be back so Katie will wrap my legs late afternoon for me...after I go swimming. I can't begin to say how grateful it makes me feel that our daughter would be more than willing to do this for me. All 3 of our children have the desire to help where they can.
This is my buddy. I try to not think about the fact that I need to use a walker and try to make it fun. One fun thing is that I can use the seat to carry things from room to room. I also try to use it humorously and cut Wayne off when we're walking and I become the champion!! Otherwise, if I really let it sink in that I have to use a walker it could be too overwhelming

I woke up with muscle spasms again this morning (actually it was yesterday) and it took about 4 hours to get rid of them and by the time they went away I was sooooooo sooooooo sleepy. Everywhere I sat today or anything I tried to do I instead fell asleep. The whole day went by without me even knowing it. I started to wake up around 9:00PM and I think that was becausre I drank a cup of coffee.

Below is my latest scrapbook layout. I had a hard time with this one. I think it's because I've been feeling so lousy that it makes it hard to make decisions. This took a whole month to put together.

Last night was a design team meeting and I volunteered for 3 layouts (maybe even a couple of double layouts?) so we will see what I get done...I hope it's all 3 of them.

I had a strange thing happen yesterday. I bought some turquoise nail polish when I was at Walgreen's. I have several things that match that color. I asked Wayne to put the polish on for me and he grudgingly agreed:) About a half hour after he put on the polish my toes started to burn and tingle. They were that way all night and all day today! My toes swelled and were beet red. Then, this afternoon after I went swimming they started to get a rash on them. I called the doctor's office and explained my situation. It was after hours and they called me back when I was at WalMart. They asked me if I could come right in and I said I could. So I whizzed through the 20 items or less line and got out in the car and told my Mom what they had said at the doctor's office. She took me there and the doctor on call looked at my feet and said there was no infection...thank goodness!!! I worry about getting an infection. The physical therapist said if I get cellulites again that it is very possible to become septic (sp?) and that's what I worry about. He said they (my toes and feet) were just extrememly irritated from the polish. Who would have ever thought?? I guess there is one more thing I can add to my list of things I cannot do anymore.

Last night at the design team meeting I actually felt a little out of things because of not feeling well and always being sick. The others just seemed to be so different from me...like I used to be. It made me just want to cry...but I managed to hold it together till I got home and then I cried a little and felt sorry for myself just a little;( But Wayne was there and is always able to help me out of the glooms,